Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Cat... or Kat? Kitten??

In the year of the cat.


I have 4 .
Age 11, 13, 15 .
I fond my first diary about 3 years ago, 2013. in a random box.
Found the other 2 in the same box.
Reading through each .... can't describe the emotions ....some funny just seeing I couldnt  spell very well to this teenager with in depth  thoughts and dreams. In each of these diaries I see my liitle girl to this almost grown girl with the same dreams:
to have happiness, a family , children ......the white picket fence,
Yes I had it, not once , but possibly 3 times, with bumps and bruises, yet I was too young to dee or understand the mistakes beong made////

Do you ever get mad at God? Wonder who he is???

I get mad at God.
All the time.

I want to understand him.
Yet I don't.

I want to know who he is?
Where did God come from?
Who gave him the authority to make the world?

Who is his Father?

If I were to stand up in a church
and ask that.
What do you think the
congragation would say and do?

Can you see the head Pastor stumble?
I can.

I want answers.

Visions in my mind....

Visions... they don't go away. It's been 2 years, but my visions in my mind wont go silent. it's deafening.... loud, painful. I know i went wrong but it wasn't me alone, you all helped. I don't blame any of you, I knew better, I had choices, but I didn't know how to do it alone anymore.


Been at least 3 years 
since I have taken
time to write.

Now we are in a re-direction
in our ways of life.
Towards each other.
Wanting to be close,
yet sheltering ourselves
from giving each to much.

Your the first
And the last
to apologize.
And I was that way once.

We Make ammends.
Yet here we are,
close, I think.
The times we talk now
are so adult.
Not about yesterday,
but today.
Accepting the hurt,
we both have caused.
Time heals wounds
yet with caution.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

If I had one oppurtunity.

The one thing I wish I could just be
 a dolphon or an elephant....
 each two different spectrums of life.
One is free in a world of undiscovered,
 the other in a world of danger,
being hunted.

The one lives for the freedom of the water and a life
of no choices but,
enjoying freedom and peace;
with the unknowing of the earth above filled with air.
How it could take it's life,
in just a few moments.
As it lives in a world of serenity and calmness
without the feeling of endangerment from humans.
That in the end destroy the freedom of such simple kind creatures.

Yet the elephant already struggles with fear and hate daily
due to pochers.
Because it is "only needed" for its treasure.
And when the treasure is taken,
the elephant is no longer needed.

 We to are endangered... we all have treasures that get taken rom us without our choice. in the end freedim comes with a price and danger comes with judmnet and loss.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Writing... not hiding.

So I just want to write. I don't know about what because my mind had so much it wants me to write about, explain but there is no one out there that reads this to hear me, or feel what I have inside, so when i write it is to me, me only as I know no one will ever see this. I don't know why I said name and places, dates would be altered as if anyone in the outside world is going to see this. there are so many times I just want to say everything,
 even if it hurts me and  the people in my life or the ones who are no longer in my life.
 what does t matter..
There are so many sides to the story. Yours. Mine, and the kids. We all have a different perspective to how it all went down.

I just wish one person would hear my side out. Then allow me to give the Black and White proof of their side. (meaning, letters, court papers, judgments, testimonies, and so on).

If I go into it deep enough, it may get noticed by those who did not want to face or hear it all.